Relationship Renovation, Part 3
Sunday, May 5, 2024
Introduction
Ephesians 4:1–3 (ESV) 1 I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, 2 with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, 3 eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
Strong Relationships are built on love, grow with patience, deepen through forgiveness, and are sustained by humility
Strong Relationships “deepen through forgiveness.”
What makes a relationship deep? Love and trust. The amount of love and trust that is in the relationship determines the depth. Trust must be earned and develops over time and testing. Trust gets developed by navigating trials and challenges together, cultivating dependability. It takes a great amount of time to build and it’s not hard to break. Building or rebuilding trust requires a soft and tender heart toward one another. What keeps our hearts from getting hard? Forgiveness.
Forgiveness
Colossians 3:12–13 (ESV) 12 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
Paul describes the heart we are to have toward one another as being “compassionate,” which means to have a deep care and concern, as well as a posture toward mercy. He then connects that compassion with the qualities of kindness, remaining humble, being meek and patient. That posture is to work its way out in our relationships bearing with one another, as well as forgiving each other. The forgiveness we are called, even expected, to give is the same kind and amount that we have been forgiven.
The forgiveness we are EXPECTED to give is the level we have received in Christ Jesus.
Ephesians 4:29-32 (ESV) 29Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Here, the Apostle Paul says we are to be “tenderhearted,” meaning we are to keep our hearts soft toward one another. And here as in Colossians 3, the kindness we are to exercise toward one another means we are to be ready and quick to forgive to the level God has forgiven us in Christ Jesus. If we struggle to forgive someone, it reveals how much we understand about being forgiven. If we truly recognize how much we have been forgiven, then we would be
The forgiveness we are EXPECTED to give is the level we have received in Christ Jesus.
The forgiveness we are WLLING to give is often limited by the level of recognition we have concerning how much we have been forgiven in Christ Jesus.
At the root of the word “to forgive” is the idea of “handing something off” or “giving something away to another.” When we choose to forgive someone for something they’ve done to us, we are, in essence, handing off the offense to someone else to deal with to. And to whom are we giving it? The Lord.
To forgive is to hand something off to another; to give without requiring payment or penalty.
Another concept attached to this word is giving something away freely and without payment or penalty. When we forgive someone, we are giving them freedom from our punishment. We cannot control what God does or any natural consequences to certain actions (like jail time, for instance), but we will no longer require anything of them. What this means is that if we say we forgive someone, we cannot ask them to continuously atone for the same sin over and over again. Forgiving someone means allowing the debt they owe you to go without payment.
When we forgive someone, we are giving them freedom from payment or our punishment.
We are to forgive because God has forgiven us. We are ABLE to love because God first loved us. We are REQUIRED to forgive because we’ve been forgiven. We do not have the capacity to love until we’ve experienced it. With forgiveness, once we’ve experienced it, we have no grounds to ever withhold it from someone else.
If we have received forgiveness, we have no grounds to withhold it.
Examples
The prominence of forgiveness in Jesus’ teaching and ministry speaks to how important this issue is to him. One sermon is not the space to cover the depths of this important matter to the kingdom of God and being Jesus’ disciple. However, we can look at a few examples to see why forgiveness is so important and what the consequences are for unforgiveness.
Luke 7:36-50 — The Sinful Woman
Luke 7:36–48 (NLT) 36 One of the Pharisees asked Jesus to have dinner with him, so Jesus went to his home and sat down to eat. 37 When a certain immoral woman from that city heard he was eating there, she brought a beautiful alabaster jar filled with expensive perfume. 38 Then she knelt behind him at his feet, weeping. Her tears fell on his feet, and she wiped them off with her hair. Then she kept kissing his feet and putting perfume on them. 39 When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, “If this man were a prophet, he would know what kind of woman is touching him. She’s a sinner!” 40 Then Jesus answered his thoughts. “Simon,” he said to the Pharisee, “I have something to say to you.” “Go ahead, Teacher,” Simon replied. 41 Then Jesus told him this story: “A man loaned money to two people—500 pieces of silver to one and 50 pieces to the other. 42 But neither of them could repay him, so he kindly forgave them both, canceling their debts. Who do you suppose loved him more after that?” 43 Simon answered, “I suppose the one for whom he canceled the larger debt.” “That’s right,” Jesus said. 44 Then he turned to the woman and said to Simon, “Look at this woman kneeling here. When I entered your home, you didn’t offer me water to wash the dust from my feet, but she has washed them with her tears and wiped them with her hair. 45 You didn’t greet me with a kiss, but from the time I first came in, she has not stopped kissing my feet. 46 You neglected the courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head, but she has anointed my feet with rare perfume. 47 “I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love.” 48 Then Jesus said to the woman, “Your sins are forgiven.”
Jesus points out the connection between love and forgiveness. When someone recognizes truly how much they have been forgiven, the response is a deeper love. This is how forgiveness deepens strong relationships. It is the self-righteous that are blind to the reality of how much they have been forgiven, and therefore their love is limited.
If you find yourself in a season where it has been a struggle to hear the Lord, or if you feel your relationship with him has grown distant, or if you are struggling to sense his presence, it could be that there is unforgiveness in your heart that is making it grow hard. If our love for the Lord is waning, or if we find ourselves growing more self-righteous, we have started to lose touch with how much we have been forgiven. We must never let our hearts grow proud or self-righteous and lose touch with how much Jesus has forgiven us of.
Matthew 18:21-35 — The Unforgiving Servant
Matthew 18:21–35 (NLT) 21 Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” 22 “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven! 23 “Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. 24 In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. 25 He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt. 26 “But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’ 27 Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt. 28 “But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment. 29 “His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded. 30 But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full. 31 “When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened. 32 Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. 33 Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ 34 Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt. 35 “That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.”
In this story, Jesus reveals the connection between how much we have been forgiven and how much we are to extend that forgiveness to others. He also reveals the absurdity of not forgiving others. When we choose to not forgive others, we are thrown into a prison and tortured.
If we have received forgiveness, we have no grounds to withhold it.
Unforgiveness becomes like a prison we put ourselves in, and in that prison, we are the ones being tortured. It’s like a poison we drink trying to hurt the other person, when it only hurts us. Unforgiveness becomes like a cancer deteriorating our inner-selves, all the whole hoping our enemies get the punishment.
“Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door of resentment and the handcuffs of hatred. It is a power that breaks the chains of bitterness and the shackles of selfishness.” ~ Corrie ten Boom
If you have been feeling burdened, or heavy, or finding yourself easily angered or confused, it could be there is lingering unforgiveness you have harbored. When we harbor unforgiveness, nursing it and rehearsing it, we open ourselves up to torture from the enemy.
Luke 15:11-32 — The Prodigal Son and his Older Brother
Luke 15:20-32 (NLT) 20“So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him. 21His son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son.’ 22“But his father said to the servants, ‘Quick! Bring the finest robe in the house and put it on him. Get a ring for his finger and sandals for his feet. 23And kill the calf we have been fattening. We must celebrate with a feast, 24for this son of mine was dead and has now returned to life. He was lost, but now he is found.’ So the party began. 25Meanwhile, the older son was in the fields working. When he returned home, he heard music and dancing in the house, 26and he asked one of the servants what was going on. 27‘Your brother is back,’ he was told, ‘and your father has killed the fattened calf. We are celebrating because of his safe return.’ 28The older brother was angry and wouldn’t go in. His father came out and begged him, 29but he replied, ‘All these years I’ve slaved for you and never once refused to do a single thing you told me to. And in all that time you never gave me even one young goat for a feast with my friends. 30Yet when this son of yours comes back after squandering your money on prostitutes, you celebrate by killing the fattened calf!’ 31His father said to him, ‘Look, dear son, you have always stayed by me, and everything I have is yours. 32We had to celebrate this happy day. For your brother was dead and has come back to life! He was lost, but now he is found!’
For the older brother it was unacceptable for a rule-breaker to be received back into relationship simply on the basis of repentance and grace. But for the father it was unacceptable that his returning son would not be accepted back into relationship.
For the Pharisees, rules were more important than relationship, and retribution was more important than reconciliation. For Jesus, relationship was more important than rules, and reconciliation was more important than retribution. For Pharisees, the rule of law had to be satisfied. For Jesus, the broken relationship had to be restored. For the Pharisees, the stoning of a sinner was justice. For Jesus, sitting at a table with reconciled sinners was justice.
The younger brother being the center of a reconciliation party was injustice to the older brother. But having the estranged son back home was the only thing the father would accept as justice. The inheritance was squandered and lost and could not be recovered. What could be recovered was broken relationship. That was justice as God defined it.
The inheritance was squandered and could not be recovered. What could be recovered was the broken relationship.
This is God’s character.
Luke 6:35-36 (ESV) “But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.”
This is the way of Jesus. It is the kind of life he calls us into.
Conclusion
The strength of our relationships get deepened when we remain committed to keeping a soft heart toward one another by keeping a commitment to forgive. Our forgiveness of one another reveals how much we recognize the forgiveness that has been extended to us in Christ Jesus.
The greatest testament of strength of soul and relationship is not in harboring bitterness (hate, resentment, offense) or taking revenge, but in trusting God and extending forgiveness.
οἰκτιρμός (oiktirmos). n. masc. compassion, care, concern. Indicates mercy or compassion toward people from the perspective of God or other human beings.
εὔσπλαγχνος (eusplanchnos) compassionate
χαρίζομαι (charizomai). vb. give, forgive; refers to giving something to someone, often in a manner such that no reciprocation is expected. In the New Testament, the action of charizomai applies to generous action by one party on another’s behalf (Luke 7:21; Rom 8:32; Gal 3:18; Phil 1:29; Phlm 1:22). Where the object of charizomai is a debt, sinner, or sin, the sense is that of forgiveness (Luke 7:42–43; 2 Cor 2:5–11; Eph 4:32; Col 2:13).
1 John 4:19